Friday, August 15, 2014

All The Things

Well, y’all, I fell off the wagon.  Even as I write, I am slowly coming out of a carb-coma.  The worst part?  I don’t even regret it.  I know I will when my scale is up 7 lbs. next week but for now I’m basking in breadstick heaven.  It all started yesterday after my week 30 weigh in at the doc.  I was down 5.6 lbs. from last month and I’m a horrible person for feeling disappointed in that.  My doctor was so happy at my consistency and said I was doing such a great job.  On the inside I was crying because I needed to lose more than that.  I just kept telling myself, “You’re still on track to make goal!”  It wasn’t helping.  We were spreading good cheer at work yesterday so my boss treated some staff to Jimmy John’s (please see previous posting about its deliciousness).  They offer lettuce wrapped sandwiches but the lure of the dreamy French bread got me.  Oh, and then my boss and I split a chocolate chunk cookie.  I seriously ate that sandwich in like 30 minutes because I was savoring every morsel.  It was REALLY good.  I woke up this a.m. and went to spin as normal and did some arms before class, but then my friend and I made a conscious decision that today would be Fat Kid Friday.  For lunch, we went to Olive Garden where I proceeded to eat 2 breadsticks, chicken parmigiana and a side of spaghetti.  Oh, I also had salad and ate the croutons.  Oh, wait, I also ate the two mints they bring you at the end.  I almost forgot about those suckers.  It doesn’t stop there either.  When we got back to the office, there was cake in the kitchen in celebration of August birthdays (my job gets cake every month to celebrate anyone who had a birthday that month).  I used to be a regular at cake time and I haven’t had any since my own cake last December.  Today’s selection was yellow cake with white buttercream frosting and strawberry filling.  I DIE and ate a piece.

Now I sit here, epically full at my desk watching my belly rise and fall with my breath.  I’m so uncomfortable but the guilt that usually follows a “cheat” isn’t here.  This scares the ever-loving shit out of me.  It’s scary how easily you can fall back into old habits.  Even anyone who hasn’t been on a diet can relate.  You know that old relationship you always go back to?  My relationship just happens to be with food.  So why do we do this?  Why do we allow ourselves to be controlled by food (or that old boyfriend)?  I think the past two days happened out of frustration, boredom and overstimulation.  I was frustrated at the fact that I’d only lost 5.6 lbs. last month.  Well, silly, you’re not going to lose any more if you eat like you did the last two days!  I was bored with my usual lunch of salad with protein, protein with vegetable, yadda yadda yadda.  I was also overstimulated by Olive Garden commercials playing this morning and highlighting the butter glistening off the breadsticks. 

My doctor always stresses the importance of balance.  At this time, in my weight loss journey, I should be working my “diet” into my everyday life.  The only way to be successful is to be faced with the real world problems of food choices.  Yesterday and today were not the best choices, however, it’s up to me to tell myself that it ends here and now.  Tomorrow is another day and the difference between Sarah now and Sarah 67 lbs. ago is that my eating all the things streak cannot continue for the next week.  I pledge to you, dear reader, that as of dinner tonight I will be back on track.  I can’t let one (or two plus cake) meals ruin all the work I’ve put in.  It can be a downward spiral but only if you let it.  I promise you that you have the power and you control what your next move is.  So stop answering the phone calls of that old boyfriend and don’t let his Facebook updates cause you to think about him non-stop for 7 days.  Don’t let commercials temp you into filling your grocery cart with Little Debbie snack cakes and tell yourself that you can and will do better.  Food choices we make are not something to punish ourselves over.  They happened and it’s time to move on.  It’s okay to forget for a minute that you have to eat a certain way but make sure you stop when you’re full, drink plenty of water and get back on track if you feel out of control of the situation.  Moderation is key and your best friend for success! 

A big part of me hopes that guilt didn’t accompany my lunch because in my gut I know that this won’t define or change anything.  I don’t feel guilty about a food choice I made because it’s not the first and it’s not the last.  There will always be a craving I give in to or an over indulgence I have but I will always get back on track.  It might take less than a day or it might take several days.  At the end of it, I will never be my old self again.  I will never lose control so long that I have to break out the 2X size sweatpants.  This round, a Fat Kid Day won’t change anything long term because I have changed.  My mind and my determination are finally on the same page.

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