Friday, February 27, 2015

Happy Anniversary!

Six months ago this week, I started a blog.  I decided I had a lot to say and it seemed like people wanted to hear it.  The outpouring of support that I received (and still do) has been overwhelming and beyond humbling.  My family, friends and strangers who messaged, called, commented and continue to read are the reason why I write.  I, honestly, can't say thank you enough.  Thank you seems so little but I have no other words to express how awesome it makes me feel.  I can't believe how far I've come in the last 6 months.  At times, finding inspiration and cranking out posts is major work but I always find something to say (I've always been a talker!).  I was once asked if I'm seeing a therapist in order to talk through my issues with self esteem and food.  My answer, "Nope!"  This blog is my therapy.  My friends and readers are my therapists--don't ask, I'm not paying.  Writing and blogging helps me work out all the crap in my head and demons I combat.  I have no idea what the future of Sarah Chose Happy is but I take it in stride, write when I can and look for a story everywhere I go.  Again, THANK YOU!

TOMORROW IS THE DAY! Those of you paying attention might remember that tomorrow I am running my very FIRST sanctioned race and it's a 10K through downtown Orlando. I'm 89 percent excited and 11 percent nervous. I probably haven't trained as much as one should in order to complete this run but that's because from day 1 it's been a run/walk event. I was able to complete 5.5 miles in 1 hour, 8 minutes over the weekend at about an average of 12:25 minute mile. I, honestly, just want to finish and not die. My left knee has been a real bitch the last few weeks and I'm trying not to push it too far. I took an extra rest day today and yesterday (normal rest day) I foam rolled and stretched until I cried. My legs were so tight and the rolling really helped but it hurt like a mother. As excited as I am to do this race, I'm super excited to get back to lifting. I took it (relatively) easy this week in order to not blow out my legs and suffer soreness. I like running but I think I like it more when it's not something I HAVE to do but want to do. Most of my excitement over the 10K is doing it alongside my ride or die, Kate. We've never done anything like this together because, well, I was fat and couldn't keep up. It took me losing 85 pounds and her being 7 months pregnant for us to be on level. Just kidding, she can still blow me out of the water.

I'm Orlando bound in a few hours to eat a well-balanced dinner and get to bed early.  My reward for finishing?  New sneakers and something carb laced.  It's the day I'll burn enough to earn a big ol' treat!  I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!  Please pray for me and for no rain.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Cookie Debacle 2015

I’m in a food mood this week so you’re getting another post about it. I’ve had some amazing food finds over the last several days and I’m all about sharing (secrets, not actual food…get your own). I mostly get food and brand recommendations from the accounts I follow on Instagram, which requires me to search online for retailers near me or scour stores. Unfortunately, one of the finds and a new cookie recipe were deemed TOO GOOD and I’m not allowed to purchase or make these items again. Deets below but it was bad. Like really bad.

Wink Desserts-CHANGE YOUR LIFE! From Instagram, I read about this faux ice cream that is soy free, dairy free, vegan, yaddah yaddah, all the things free. It’s made of pea protein, which sounds horrible but it’s an interesting little find. Each serving is 4g carbs, 1g fiber, ZERO sugars, ZERO fat, 2g protein and 25 calories. You can eat the whole pint for 100 calories. Bad news, anyone outside of Gainesville is SOL unless you order online. Ward’s Supermarket in Gainesville is the only store in the state of Florida to carry Wink. For a small fee, I’m willing to transport any to Orlando, which is where I know many of my readers live. I was only able to snag the cinnamon bun flavor because they were sold out of all the others. I am heading back to Ward’s weekly until I can get the others because they also make CAKE BATTER (yeah, I said it), choco-mint, cocoa-dough, iced latte and vanilla bean. You can order pints online for $8 but Ward’s sold them for $3.99. The cinnamon bun flavor is pretty good and I would describe the texture as icy not creamy. Winkfrozendesserts.com

Extra gum made a limited edition Spring flavor in confetti cake pop. Yep, that happened. It tastes just like vanilla birthday cake. I’ve never been a huge fan of dessert flavor gums because usually you want fresh breath and go mint but this can definitely help if you need to taste something sweet. Trident layers also released a new jelly bean flavor. I bet you’re wondering, “What flavor jelly bean?” I had the same reaction as Trident believes that all jelly beans taste alike. I skipped around the pack thinking maybe Trident is playing the you-never-know-what-you’re-gonna-get game, which was false and all pieces are the same flavor. The middle layer is sour so be forewarned and makes the entire piece of gum taste like green apple. I’ll donate a pack to anyone dying to try this because I will only use in emergency situations. I’ve only been able to find either of these gums at Target.

Angie’s Boom Chicka Pop (my favorite popcorn brand) released 2 limited edition flavors in honor of spring. While browsing the aisle at Target, I stumbled upon the first, which is lemon drop. As I excitedly reached for the bag, I realized that there was a blank space to the right and looked to the back of the shelf. There sat 2 lonely bags of FROSTED SUGAR COOKIE. I almost peed my pants in excitement. These bags are smaller than their normal with only 3 servings of 28g each. Pretty sure this popcorn is illegal because it HAS to be made with crack! Angie took her normal kettle corn and drizzled on vanilla crack frosting and dusted the kernels with purple sugar sprinkles. If you have a problem with portion control, like yours truly, break out your scale and make your own serving-size baggies. Otherwise, after about 5 minutes, you’ll reach the bottom of the bag with your hand covered in kernels and sprinkles wondering, “What happened?” Been there, done that, we’re getting t-shirts. I ended up not buying the lemon drop flavor and have extreme regret but there’s always a Target trip in my future.

Thomas’ English muffins released a limited edition BANANA BREAD flavor. I saw it on Instagram (duh) and about fell out of my chair. This was one of the easiest finds as my normal Publix grocery had them in stock. Upon researching Thomas’ to write this snippet for you, dear reader, I discovered that they also made a pumpkin spice flavor that I apparently missed. Disappointed party of 1. These muffins smell like homemade banana bread. Thomas’ doesn’t use any artificial flavoring, which I support because fake banana flavor is disgusting but can be a negative because the muffins only have a faint flavor of banana bread. They’re still A+ in my book. Each muffin is 29g carbs, 4g sugars, 1g fiber, 5g protein, 1g fat and 150 calories. Realistically, the better option for English muffin would be the light multi-grain one, which is 26g carbs, 8g fiber, 1g sugar, 5g protein, 1g fat and 100 calories. However, I’d prefer to not eat the English muffin. The only reason for this purchase was the banana bread flavor (and a potential blog post!). I can also say they taste amazing with cream cheese, butter or peanut butter on top.

I have not yet succumb to the temptation of the red velvet Oreo craze, mostly because I can’t find them, and am pretty proud of myself! I do LOVE red velvet and while browsing Walgreens candy aisle (I was lost?) the other day I found Whitman’s candies makes Weight Watchers endorsed bite size packs of red velvet center chocolates. Again, I almost peed my pants in excitement. Each little pouch contains 5-6 chocolates and pack 15g carbs, 5g sugars, 1g protein, 1g fiber, 7g fat and 110 calories. Now, this is not a great snack because it is a VERY small portion for such carbs but is definitely a saving grace when you’re having one of those jump-off-the-cliff-if-I-don’t-get-chocolate moments. Those jerks at Russell Stover, a partner of Whitman’s, makes a birthday cake egg for Easter that I found while browsing Target. Maybe I need to stop going to Target? Nah. Anyway, I’m not sure if this is a new thing because while researching to report on these I discovered they also make carrot cake eggs, wedding cake eggs, chocolate wedding cake eggs, cookie dough eggs, brownie eggs and RED VELVET EGGS. I basically hate this company. But, in addition, I was able to find that they do make birthday cake candies in sugar free and will be heading to all the stores to find them. The birthday cake egg was amazing and a gateway drug so I am not allowed to purchase one again.

This egg leads me to the great cookie debacle of last week. I found a recipe for low carb, gluten free, other things free chocolate chip cookies on Pinterest. Armed with supplies like coconut oil and oat flour, I decided to give them a try. BIG MISTAKE. These cookies were amazing. The coconut oil gives them a hint of the islands, the oat flour makes them dense but crumbly and the chocolate chips were on point. Then why the regret? Because I could have eaten the entire batch in one sitting. No exaggeration.  I popped 2 cookies in my mouth before deciding to figure out the nutrition facts on them. After logging all of the ingredients into the My Fitness Pal app, it calculated that each cookie had 129 calories and 11g carbs. EXCUSE? These weren’t giant cookies, they were very normal size. The cup of coconut oil required is 960 calories and the oat flour called for is 721 calories and I only got 20 cookies from the dough. As I snatched and devoured 3 more cookies from the cooling rack, I fell back into old Sarah habits. I put the rest of the cookies into sealed bags and went to bed. After sharing 2 with a friend and eating 4 more the next day, it was time for the rest of the batch to die. I couldn’t fathom the calories I’d just consumed. I smashed the bags in my hands, making cookie crumbles, and emptied them into the trash. It was sad but 100 percent necessary. I’m going to play with the recipe a bit and see if I can get the calorie count down because I need to stop daydreaming about these cookies.

I apologize for the long post but y’all know I can talk about food for days. Takeaways for your Wednesday…

1. Figure out the nutrition facts BEFORE making the recipe.
2. Coconut oil makes everything taste better.
3. Read labels and be on the lookout for great food finds!
4. Avoid Target.
5. I will purchase anything with the words, "birthday," "cake," "cupcake," "confetti," "batter," "frosted," "sugar," "sprinkles," or any combinations of these words.  Sucker.

Monday, February 23, 2015

You Got Served

Yogurt, berries, bananas & granola!
I realize I talk about reading nutritional labels a lot but a key factor of importance when reading these is SERVING SIZE! My job majorly deals with bidding vendors for various projects and we always stress the importance of bidding apples to apples. When comparing brands and labels, you have to make sure you’re comparing like things. I give you a few real life examples because I have been bitten by the allure of a good looking label.

Granola: I was at a baby shower a few weeks ago and there was a yogurt station. With my new found love of (certain) yogurt, I decided I wanted to eat it layered with fruit and granola every day of my life. It took me roughly 20 minutes to pick out a granola at the grocery store because I POURED over labels up and down the aisle at Publix. Most granolas are pretty terrible for you and I was extremely disheartened. The majority of brands were ¼ cup serving, ranging anywhere from 25-55 (YEAH!) grams of carbs per serving with astronomical sugar counts, too. I all but gave up on this craving and decided to check the gluten free/organic section before leaving. There, I found a gem of a deal in Nature’s Path Organic and their peanut butter granola. Upon label glance, it looks like all the others with 35g carbs, 4g fiber, 9g sugar, 7g protein, 11g fat and 260 calories. However, this beautiful serving size is ¾ cup, which is 3x any other brand I found. My quick math skills tell me that if I divide all these label numbers by 3, this is the best option for me! To prove to you, dear reader, that I am an investigative journalist at heart, I give you comparison to the Bear Naked brand below.

V’Nilla Almond Fit: 22g carbs, 2g fiber, 4g sugar, 4g protein, 2.5g fat and 120 calories.
Honey Almond 10x Protein: 12g carbs, 2g fiber, 5g sugar, 10g protein, 7g fat and 140 calories.

The Nature’s Path granola is portioned like cereal you’d eat with milk at ¾ cup serving size, which is quite large for a yogurt. I made single serving bags of ¼ cup of granola to grab and take with me to work where my yogurt snack is had each morning.


Oatmeal: I was made aware of a new oatmeal, OatFit, with a cinnamon roll flavor by a friend who was telling me about the low calories and low carbs of this particular brand. I was able to find this at Target and was quickly intrigued. Upon examining the label, I realized that you have to not only look at the size but the possible GRAMS of that serving. Most oatmeal label a serving size as, “1 packet,” which is followed by a tiny little number with how big that packet is. OatFit’s packets are 28 grams where my normal Quaker Oats packets are 45 grams, which is a significant difference. The OatFit cinnamon roll has 18g carbs, 3g fiber, 0g sugar, 3g protein, 2g fat and 100 calories. My normal Quaker Oats weight control banana bread has 29g carbs, 6g fiber, 1g sugar, 7g protein, 3g fat and 160 calories. Also, to prove I’m not being paid for endorsements, I did recently purchase a box of Nature’s Path blueberry cinnamon flax oatmeal while at a trip to my new favorite store, Lucky’s Market. I didn’t have my normal brand on hand for side-by-side comparison but wish I had. This oatmeal, while vegan and organic, is 30g carbs, 3g fiber, 8g sugar, 5g protein, 2.5g fat and 160 calories for 40 gram packet. It’s pretty close to the Quaker Oats oatmeal but the fiber and sugar are way off. I will forgive it because this oatmeal is pretty legit and tastes amazing with some peanut butter swirled in. Live and learn, friends.

I seriously can’t stress enough on the importance of knowing what you’re eating and how much. I am constantly asked what I eat and for tips on how I am successful and learning little tips like this have gotten me so far! If the label looks too good to be true, look at the serving size. It can reveal so much!

Friday, February 20, 2015

That Awkward Moment

I’ve been pretty quiet about my newest gym boyfriend but it’s getting serious so it’s time I told you guys about him. Also, I’m a walking awkward moment and of course this has gotten me some blog-worthy moments. It all started when I was on the glute machine (it’s like a standing donkey kick but you’re slightly bent over with your elbows and chest resting on pads) and boy was DIRECTLY behind me working the lat pull. Kill me. Not only am I sweating profusely all over this machine but his eye-line view is me in this horribly awkward position. Fantastic. And yes, I cleaned the machine after use. A few weeks later, I’m using the Smith machine to do chest presses and boy is walking toward me. I try to coolly lay down on the bench but have to swing myself under the bar. I misjudged the swoop distance and smacked my head on the bar just in time for him to pass by. Strike two. Then today happened. Boy was walking out when I was walking in (super disappointing and waste of a cute outfit) and he held the door for me when I was quite a distance away. See, it’s getting serious! I said, “Thank you,” in my squeaky-excited voice and he said, “Enjoy your workout.” It could have ended there and should have but out of habit I replied, “You, too!” As the door to the gym closed between us, I realized that I just told the boy LEAVING the gym to enjoy his (already finished) workout and am instantly flushed. I understand this happens a lot-- to the movie ticket seller who tells you, “Enjoy your movie,” or the server who wants you to, “Enjoy your dinner.” “You, too” is just such a common response but it’s so embarrassing when ill placed.  Well done, Sarah.  It's better he finds out now how awkward I am because if he's going to willingly enter into this gym relationship then he needs to know what's headed his way.

Happy Friday, everyone!  Make good choices!

Monday, February 16, 2015

You're (Not) Gonna Miss me When I'm Gone

The first post I read by Andie Mitchell when I stumbled upon her blog, canyoustayfordinner.com, was a list of things that she will miss about life prior to weight loss and a list of what she won’t miss. Andie included this post in her memoir, It Was Me All Along. Inspired, I decided to make my own list. Hope you don’t mind, Andie!

What I miss about life at 291 lbs.:

Ordering whatever I wanted at a restaurant without pause. A menu being vast with endless options of delectable cuisine.

Unruly grocery store trips where planning my weekly menu was fun. French pasta, cheeseburgers, PB&J, mac ‘n’ cheese, potatoes au gratin, brie and turkey sandwiches. Whatever I craved, I could buy and make.

Convenience. Running through McDonald’s on a road trip, when I was late for work and needed breakfast or those hectic days at work with no time for lunch.

Pizza. Holy shit, I miss pizza. It’s easy, amazingly delicious and so versatile. Whether delivery or making it at home, I miss pizza.

Cheetos puffs and the orange fingertips they’d leave me with.

Ben, Jerry, Bluebell and that cute little Dough Boy.

Little Debbie Valentine's Day hearts.  The vanilla ones frosted in light pink (a torture recently!). They just taste better than any other holiday even though they are exactly the same minus shape and color.

Parties, gatherings, nights out with friends, etc. Not having to eat before the party or pray they serve options I can actually eat. Going to dinner at a friend’s house and not having to ask what they’re cooking before I can accept the invitation. Girls' nights being limitless.

Never being asked, “Can you eat here?” “Can you eat this?” or any of the other questions assuming I live such a horrible life now.

Mexican food. All of it. I miss every cheesy, pico-filled bite.

Mom’s pancakes, chocolate chip cookies, brownies, chicken parmigana and cupcakes.

Baking and the satisfaction of a successful cupcake recipe. Devouring my job well done after they were perfectly frosted.


What I’ll never miss about life at 291 lbs.:

Being out of breath climbing the 1 flight of stairs to my office.

The daily heartburn. The feeling of it creeping on and hurrying to pop some TUMs before it sets in. Preemptively taking antacids to combat before eating out and stashing them in my purse just in case. 

Sweating.  Yes, it's still in excess but nowhere near as bad!

Only being able to shop in plus-size sections or stores.

Being so limited in my clothing options.

Paying more for clothes because plus-size is always more expensive (because of additional fabric?).

Trying on clothes and feeling so disgusting in everything.

Worse, that awful feeling when you realize you have gone up a size and everything you own is too tight.

Feeling confined by the fatty walls around me.

Wondering if furniture will hold my weight, if I’ll be able to keep up on vacations or looking at weight restrictions before certain activities.

Always being the fat friend.

The stares, the cruel names or taunts.

Dreading any occasion or vacation that called for a bathing suit. Ripping off my cover up and sprinting from my lounge chair into the water in hopes that no one would see.

Waiting.  Impatiently waiting.  Constantly waiting for my real life to begin.

Wondering as each year passed if it would be the one where my wishes and prayers would come true and I’d wake up skinny.


Writing the list of things I miss from life at 291 lbs. was actually really difficult. It’s mostly comprised of food and with work and time I’ll be able to enjoy those things (in moderation) again. Okay, so life was easier and definitely tasted better but it will never surmount the emotions that accompany being fat. I won’t ever miss the shame, discomfort or confinement those pounds added to life.  I hope you have an amazing week, peeps!

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

A League of My Own

This past weekend I acted like I was in undergrad again by venturing to one of my favorite haunts, Grog House. Grog is the quintessential college bar with coeds staggering all over each other, singing extremely off key to 90s, 2000s and current hits where the floor is covered in a thick layer of dirt meets beer sludge. It’s disgusting but 2 to 3 nights per week I would be there for Beat the Clock Friday, Free Beer Saturday and Wednesday night Ladies’ night. The walls of Grog, and those of the neighboring XS and Gator City, are filled with so many memories for me and my friends. This is where we let off steam, celebrated birthdays and graduations, and where we met boys to buy us drinks and dance with. Well, my friends met boys. Last Saturday at Grog, I walked in and immediately spotted him: the boy from my undergrad years that I made it a mission to find every night we went out. He was on the baseball team and in a lot of my classes as we were the same major. Night after night, I would dress in my cutest outfit in hopes of seeing him out. Some call it stalking, I call it crossing paths. I know he knew I existed because we seriously had the exact same schedule but I was never the girl he was talking to at the bar. He was completely and utterly out of my league. Here he was mere steps from me after all these years. Needless to say, he didn’t recognize me, which is actually a blessing because I am about 75 lbs. lighter. His group of friends left Grog within about 5 seconds of us arriving but I was brought back to being that girl who stared at him across the bar and took the long route on campus to pass by him leaving class (yep, that happened. A lot).  I think back to the night before and how I still assume cute guys are out of my league.

At dinner with my friend, Heidi, on Friday night we were talking about anything and everything. A new boy’s name was brought up and my exact words were, “He’s out of my league.” Heidi all but reached across the table to slap me. She demanded I give a valid reason for why this guy is out of my league. “Um, he’s smart,” I said. “You’re smart,” she countered. “He’s really cute,” I offered. “You’re really cute,” she protested. “He just is, Heidi,” I settled. She then went on to tell me how wonderful I am and no one is out of my league. She’s the best. Truth be told, I still feel like the fat girl. It’s hard to shake off 27 years of feeling not good enough. I know I joke around a lot about how I’m so cute and awesome but you should know that I’m the most confident self-conscious person you'll ever meet. I still struggle with feeling uncomfortable in large crowd settings. When guys stare at me, I still assume it's because they are disgusted by my weight. My mind is slowly catching up with my body and I'm working to see what everyone else sees in me. Andie Mitchell’s memoir, It Was Me All Along, helped me realize that everyone goes through this period of transition after weight loss. It’s hard not to feel insulted by the boy who finally notices you after you drop weight because it’s still me. I changed my outward but this amazing girl has always lived on my inside. I have to keep reminding myself that it was unfair to assume people would accept me when I didn’t accept me. I will settle with the assumption that no one could see my awesomeness because it was shrouded by a body I hated and low self esteem. It may have been me all along but I'm finally stepping up to bat in this new league where I am enough.

Monday, February 9, 2015

I've Been Sarah All Along

I’ve been incredibly humbled over the last several days with friends, co-workers and acquaintances saying how inspirational the blog and I am to them. It’s sometimes surreal that people can relate to my life and past so easily. I forget that while journeys are different, individual experiences can align for those of us who have struggled with weight. A few weeks ago, searching for inspiration myself, I stumbled upon a weight loss and food blog written by the very talented Andie Mitchell, which can be found at canyoustayfordinner.com. The day after finding Andie’s blog, I was at the bookstore buying her memoir. Released in January, It Was Me All Along is a winding road of Andie’s coping with food addiction, binge eating and losing 135 pounds. Andie’s journey is vastly different from mine but our experiences and feelings parallel in a way that left me Post-it marking the book of my favorite phrases, stories and thoughts. I cried at Andie’s pain and cried when memories of my own flooded my mind and brought me back in time. It's hard to see in the photo but I didn’t really mark up the beginning of the book and that’s because it’s here where Andie writes of her childhood and I, thankfully, cannot relate. Andie grew up with an alcoholic father who was verbally abusive to her mother and brother. She used food to comfort her and fill the voids. Her dad becomes absent and eventually passes away. I started writing a post about this book after reading about half of it and have since deleted it entirely. I wrote about how disappointed I was because I couldn’t relate to Andie at all. I grew up in an extremely loving house that was FULL of laughter and hugs. For the past year, I’ve struggled with somewhere to “blame” my weight. Thankfully and blessedly, I don’t have a tragic past that led me to turn to food. I do, however, have an unhealthy relationship with food. Food is there when I’m sad, it’s there when I’m happy and it’s there when there’s nothing else. I love food. The taste, the texture, the way it makes me feel. I was uneducated on nutrition and lived a really inactive life. You can’t do both as a child and grow up without food and body issues. Over the weekend, I finished the book and found the place where I belong in it. The middle of Andie’s memoir, where she loses weight, goes through a period of binge eating and has anxiety over maintaining, is my present day. There are so many thoughts and themes I relate to that I cannot write about them all in one post. The next series of posts, coming this week—or more depending on what else I can come up with— were all inspired by this book.

I will leave you with a perspective on weight loss I hope everyone has, which is where the title of the book comes from. Andie writes, “But here’s the truth I’ve come to know: fat or thin, it was me all along.” I’ve said this in a previous post, I don’t regret who I was or look at past photos of myself and wish I would disappear. Regardless of the weight holding me down, it was me all along. That life and girl formed me into who I am today. I used to plead to God, “Why me?” Why did He choose me live life that way? Why was I born and raised with this flaw? The worst to admit is that I also wonder why He finally granted me the strength to change. Why did He lay out happiness in front of me and tempt me with a better life? There could be 100s of reasons, which I’ll save for my own memoir, but for now I will celebrate that I have always been Sarah. Self-conscious, depressed, 291 lbs., self-aware, weight TBD, happy— it was and is, beautifully, me all along.

Andie, if you’re reading, thank you for this memoir. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone and sparking me to get through this upcoming week. You write emotions I struggle to find words to describe. Thank you for your bravery and for sharing your story with all of us. I encourage anyone struggling with weight and food to read this book. If you’re local, you can borrow my copy as long as you don’t mind my numerous pink Post-its.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Sarah Took a Tumble

Being that it’s Monday I thought I would start you off with a laugh. Those of you familiar with me and the blog know I am a faller. Pretty sure it’s in my DNA. I trip and fall through life in usually the most embarrassing of ways. On Saturday night, while walking back to my car after being out with friends, I completely ate it. The parking lot where said fall occurred is made of bricks and there was a deep crack I didn’t see coming. Before you ask, I was sober and wearing TOMS. I can’t even blame whiskey and wedges. My left foot got caught on the crack and I began seeing myself fall in slow motion. If you’ve ever fallen, and you’re an alien if you haven’t, you know everything gets blurry and your immediate instinct is to put your hands down. I end up falling on both hands but my body weight must have been shifted to my right side. My right palm hits the bricks, then my shoulder slams into the ground and finally my FACE breaks the fall. I roll over, slowly assessing the damage. Did I break anything? Is my face bleeding? DID I RIP MY NEW (vegan) LEATHER JACKET OR CALVIN KLEIN JEANS?!? Priorities, people. Negative on all accounts but my right hand and right temple are in serious pain. I’m laughing so hard at myself and the situation that I can’t get up. After a painful night’s sleep, several bruises and 2.5 hours at the walk-in clinic, the positives are that my hand isn’t broken and my face is only slightly blue. It’s comforting to know that no matter how much weight I lose, I will ALWAYS be that clumsy girl who should not leave the house without sporting bubble wrap.

Falling on Saturday fits quite nicely in with the theme of my life the last two weeks; I have completely fallen off the wagon. Friends, I promised to be honest with you and I have to admit that life hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows lately. January, especially the second half, threw a lot at me, emotionally, and to say I was derailed is an understatement. I was speeding down a mountain, with broken breaks, toward a cliff resulting in a fiery mess at the bottom of a ravine and a smoke plume reaching 60 feet in the air. You name it, I ate it. This past week was filled with donuts, muffins, cookies, brownies, banana pudding and a food truck rally (buffalo chicken grilled cheese, parmesan fries, fried ravioli, quesadilla, crispy Brussel sprouts covered in feta cheese, Zeppoli, ½ a cookie and ½ a peanut brownie). Usually, I can forgive some tainted eating in the name of working out but I haven’t been doing that either. Getting back to my gym routine has been beyond difficult. Luckily, today brings a new week, a new month and an opportunity to move on. I am up 5 lbs. and have to get back to good THIS INSTANT. The thing about even the tiniest gain at this low (for me) weight is that I can feel it. I can feel the tightness in my jeans, the heaviness in my stomach and the shame/guilt combo. I’m weighed down emotionally and physically. I totally deserve the weight gain, I earned it! I worked really hard to eat everything I could and to avoid the gym. I’m starting at point zero and forgetting the past weeks. They were fun but they’re over. Sarah needs to get her shit together because she’s got goals to meet. I raise my right hand and pledge today, February 2nd, that I will have no cheats or treats until February 14th when I have a very romantic day planned to visit Harry Potter with my friend (calm down, mom, it’s Michelle). I’ve learned that the more frequent I have a treat, the harder it is to forget what sugar tastes like. One piece of candy leads to eating a piece every day. When I first started, I went 15 weeks without a cheat or treat. Life was so much less tempting then and I wasn’t bothered by sugar or carbs dancing around me.

My ride on the struggle bus is over and today is my stop. The best I can do is to take it one day at a time. I can eat right and exercise today. I’ll deal with tomorrow later. If I can make it through today, I will eventually have made it through 12 todays strung together.

::Deep breath:: Here we go…