Wednesday, April 15, 2015

What's Gonna Come Poppin' Out?

I heart Melissa McCarthy. Serious girl crush going on over here. When you put her with the incredibly talented Sandy Bullock in The Heat, you get one of my favorite movies. You also get me in unavoidable tears during the bar sequence. “You’re covered in nuts. This is just a dream.” If you haven’t seen it, go rent it right now and invite all your best friends over for Skinny Pop and pajamas. It’s hilarious, I promise. Another memorable scene, SPOILER ALERT, is when the two characters are in the bathroom discussing Spanx. Most women, sorry dudes, know what Spanx are and have probably worn them or a similar brand in their adult life. Spanx is the Q-tip of undergarments, as in they’re what everyone refers to regardless of brand (ala cotton swab). I’m not even sure what you’d refer to them as…fat holder inners? Cellulite streamliners? Oh, wait, I actually think they’re called control-top panties or shape wear. OMG, I can’t believe I just used that word on my blog, y’all. In case you aren’t versed in Sarah, I HATE the word panties. Gross. I could probably write a 10-page essay on all of the words I loathe. Panties. Moist. Chunky. Tits. Dump.

Holy moly, tangent. While there are many times that Spanx are 100 percent necessary, what no one tells you is how badly they suck. They’re tight, even when you buy the correct size according to height and weight. They’re hot and sweating just makes them more impossible to get on and off. Remember when Ross from Friends can’t get his leather pants back on in a date’s bathroom? It’s like that. They’re a nightmare when you pee often or are in a rush to pee. You have to hike them up when you want to wear anything a little bit short. You’re self-conscious walking up stairs, praying that they’re not peeking out the bottom of your hemline. As an overweight girl, wearing shape wear was just a part of my life. For as long as I can remember I’ve been wearing spandex shorts under dresses in order to avoid the dreaded chub rub. In college, I went through this phase where I wore a corset thing that would help control the muffin top overhanging on my jeans. I remember being terrified that my friends would feel the ribbing through my shirt when we would pose for photos or dance closely. Well, dear readers, I have finally been set free! Thanks to my weight loss (and probably all those leg days), I am no longer constricted by my undergarments! I’ll admit, I was a little nervous the first time sans Spanx and worried if a roll was detectable under my dress. I was calmed by constant mirror checking and reassurances from friends. Let’s not get crazy, Spanx are still a necessity when wearing body-hugging dresses as they do help smooth everything out, but I can sport a bunch of my wardrobe with new-found ease.

Here’s to undergarment freedom! Not underwear and bras though, those are necessary in like 98.9 percent of situations!

1 comment:

Alexisagrownup said...

LITERALLY any time I hear those words I think "Sarah hates that word." Also, I love your tangents. You're so much better than me at reigning them in. #jelly