Wednesday, July 22, 2015

I HATE Her

Do you ever sit at your desk at work and dream about all the foods you want to eat? No, just me? Yesterday, it was Krispy Kreme donuts. I could actually taste one in my mouth. I haven’t eaten a Krispy Kreme in like 5 years but for some reason my taste buds really wanted one yesterday. My friend Michelle, who is also on her own weight loss journey and doing amazing, and I work down the hall from each other and will randomly e-mail or yell names or types of foods at each other that we want. The other day after I typed, “Boneless teriyaki wings DRENCHED in ranch w/ seasoned fries,” I asked her, “Do you ever think about the stuff you used to eat and get jealous of your fat self?” What I can’t figure out is if I’m jealous of what she was eating or just jealous that she didn’t have to think about it. Yes, fat Sarah definitely thought about the food that was going into her mouth and how she shouldn’t be eating it but she did it anyway. I am so sick and tired of thinking about food. I analyze when I eat too much or too little. I worry about making everything fit into my macros or calories for the day. I plan my meals out, sometimes days in advance, and grocery shop every 4-5 days. I just wish my life wasn’t consumed by food all the time. Yeah, even on vacations when I take a break and eat what I want, in the back of my brain is the worry about how much weight I’ll gain or how long it’ll take to get back to pre-vacation weight. Unfortunately, when God was designing Sarah he gave her humor and good hair but didn’t want to make her too perfect so he gave her a less than optimum metabolism (and a sweet tooth). We have to play the cards we’re dealt and my whole life will be a battle against my weight.

I can equate the hate to how adults feel about young people. I thought life at 16 was so freaking hard. Girl, hard is paying bills, having a job, and overcoming debt. We always think that life is so difficult in the moment we’re in. I would give anything to be a carefree 18 year old with no bills or responsibilities. Yes, life was EXTREMELY hard as the fat girl but proving that I’m no longer her by battling her inner demons and working my ass off is SO much harder. The trick is remembering that it’s all worth it. I have to remember how great I feel, how I can fit in cute clothes and how heavy I look in old photos. When I dream about eating pizza, calzones, garlic knots, French fries, cheeseburgers, subs, cookies, and on and on and on, I have to focus not on the food of my past life but on how much happier I am in present life. Something will appear one day (kids, family, mortgage payments) and be harder than life is right now and future me will hate current me. Although, it’s super hard for me to imagine that anything will ever be harder than turning down a donut.

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