Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Get it Together

Another month has almost come and gone and I can’t believe how nothing has changed. Getting back on the wagon this round has been incredibly difficult. I keep saying, “I’ll start Monday,” which then eventually rolls to Tuesday and then a week has gone by and I’m still out-of-control eating. My dating life was blowing up for a minute. I went 5 straight weeks having a first date with someone. The streak broke last week as I wasn’t able to meet anyone new by Sunday. The truth is, dear friends, dating is extremely stressful and has brought on some anxiety. What sucks the most is putting yourself out there again. I’m terrified to get excited about anyone and to open my heart up. I’m afraid to feel broken again. I’m scared of wanting to curl up on the bathroom floor, to feel the coolness of the tile just to feel anything at all. Hearing the sound of my heart actually break has been really hard to get over. Standing in his driveway, knowing our relationship was ending, I actually heard my heart shatter to pieces. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, you only dated him for like 4 months,” which is totally accurate but I made him my whole world. I didn’t know that I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know that wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I didn’t expect to fall in love with him and I never expected him to love me back. Do you know what it’s like to have someone tell you that you’re everything but it’s still not enough? I feel like a piece of Swiss cheese. He left these holes in me and I keep trying to fill them up with food. So I eat a cookie, or 7, but the emptiness never fades. I’ve hit a low point and have got to pull myself up. No one is going to do it for me. No one is going to motivate me and make me work out. I have to get my shit together.

The anxiety of dating, attempting to mend my heart and a lack of self-control has earned me 13 pounds. It was very easy to gain, I barely even tried. After a lot of tears, I’ve decided that I have to put me first and I have to go back to being selfish. I deleted my dating apps, I packed my lunch and I’m going for a run after work (stupid 15K). I can’t conquer the world today but I can choose happy. Food has a way of making you feel better in a single moment. As I burn through a burrito or slam down a doughnut, I feel an instant buzz but that fades at last bite. Nothing is worth this feeling of regret and anger and my pants not fitting. I’m going to start with just today. I’ll worry about tomorrow at the alarm ring but for TODAY I can make it through and be strong.

I talk about my parents all the time and how incredible they are. If you know them, you know it’s beyond true. After my last blog post went up, my mom sent me a text that brought me to uncontrollable tears. I’m going to share it with you, I hope she doesn’t mind, in case you need a little inspiration, too. It’s her birthday tomorrow and I wish I had words to express how much I love her. Her text is stored as a note in my phone and when I’m feeling weak I can read it. It’s also the center focus of my new motivational board in my bedroom. Mom- thank you for the slap in the face. It took me a few weeks to sink in but I promise I’m going to get it in gear. Love you to the moon and back.

“I love you to pieces and am going to give you some advice. As a person who has lost a lot of weight many times and put it back on, I know regret. Get back on your eating and exercising plan. Now. The longer you let it go the harder it is to get back on track. You will be angry at yourself and regret it so much. You have worked so hard, stayed on track through vacations and weddings, don’t blow it now. It is going to be a battle your whole life but you need to fight the good fight, grow that bamboo, and face the challenge. I love you skinny or chubby but you love the fit you. Fight for it. It is worth it. Love you to the moon and back.” -Mom

Monday, October 5, 2015

One More Step

September was a pretty terrible month for me. Looking at my calendar, reviewing the last month, I counted that I only went to the gym 8 days. EIGHT days out of 30. It's the least amount of days, during a month, that I put in gym time during the last 20 months of life. I keep telling you guys that I'm getting my ass in gear and it just hasn't happened fully. I'm incredibly excited to say goodbye to September and welcome the fall season. In order to be successful, you have to evaluate what’s going wrong. Here’s what I know about September: I was emotionally derailed by getting my heart broken, I was unmotivated to work out and was constantly exhausted, I turned to food to cope, and I just didn’t give a fuck (sorry, ma’). The scary part about all of this is that my old habits crept back in because I let them. I never expected something to hit me so hard that it got in the way of my goals. I’ve faced a lot of challenges on this weight-loss journey and I always found my way back on track. This time, it’s as if I don’t even know how to start the car to drive to the track. I can’t manage to get myself out of this rabbit hole that I created.

I want to sit here and question whether I’ve learned anything at all but the truth is I know what to do. There isn’t a magic formula; I know what I should eat and I know I need to work out but the issue lies in actually DOING IT. The reality, dear reader, is that I can’t seem to. And there it is, the word that I preach so much against. Can’t. The only four-letter word I try to stay away from. The word that got me to 291 pounds where I was obese and unhappy. The word that I let define any previous attempt at weight loss.

So I signed up for this 15K, right? My attempt to prove to myself that I CAN do anything I put my mind to. I made a calendar of how many miles I need to log each week and set out on Saturday to get 4 in. Not only was my average time over 12 minutes per mile but my entire body hurts. My knees hurt, my back hurts and my hip feels like it’s popped out of socket. Dramatic, I know. As I was running, and wanting to stop every other second, I was talking myself up. “You wanna throw up? Do it and move on. You want to give up and quit? You want to go back to being that girl who thinks she can’t do anything to help herself? Then why did you work your ass off for so long? Why are you sabotaging yourself with food? Your legs aren’t giving up, Sarah. Just take one more step. One more freaking step.” So I did and one step slowly turned into 4 miles. They weren’t my best, they were really, really hard but I did it. I don’t want to be the girl they have to drag over the finish line on November 21st. I want to be the girl sprinting toward the end. Only 7 weeks to go!

Trust me, I know life is hard. Food tastes so good, exercise sucks and it’s so much easier to not work so dang hard. But I don’t want to be that girl again, y’all. I refuse to be her. As my pants grow tighter by the day, I need to be reminded that no one is going to do this for me. No one is going to shake me awake at 4 a.m. No one is going to slap the pizza out of my hand. Trust me, I put an ad on Craigslist and no one is applying. I have to do it for myself and I have to stop trying to fill the empty holes in me with food. Or puppies—I also contemplated getting a new puppy. Jeans are coming back into wardrobe rotation and I want a smaller size. Let’s do this together, friends. Let’s be better together. 

Happy October!