Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Get it Together

Another month has almost come and gone and I can’t believe how nothing has changed. Getting back on the wagon this round has been incredibly difficult. I keep saying, “I’ll start Monday,” which then eventually rolls to Tuesday and then a week has gone by and I’m still out-of-control eating. My dating life was blowing up for a minute. I went 5 straight weeks having a first date with someone. The streak broke last week as I wasn’t able to meet anyone new by Sunday. The truth is, dear friends, dating is extremely stressful and has brought on some anxiety. What sucks the most is putting yourself out there again. I’m terrified to get excited about anyone and to open my heart up. I’m afraid to feel broken again. I’m scared of wanting to curl up on the bathroom floor, to feel the coolness of the tile just to feel anything at all. Hearing the sound of my heart actually break has been really hard to get over. Standing in his driveway, knowing our relationship was ending, I actually heard my heart shatter to pieces. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, you only dated him for like 4 months,” which is totally accurate but I made him my whole world. I didn’t know that I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know that wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I didn’t expect to fall in love with him and I never expected him to love me back. Do you know what it’s like to have someone tell you that you’re everything but it’s still not enough? I feel like a piece of Swiss cheese. He left these holes in me and I keep trying to fill them up with food. So I eat a cookie, or 7, but the emptiness never fades. I’ve hit a low point and have got to pull myself up. No one is going to do it for me. No one is going to motivate me and make me work out. I have to get my shit together.

The anxiety of dating, attempting to mend my heart and a lack of self-control has earned me 13 pounds. It was very easy to gain, I barely even tried. After a lot of tears, I’ve decided that I have to put me first and I have to go back to being selfish. I deleted my dating apps, I packed my lunch and I’m going for a run after work (stupid 15K). I can’t conquer the world today but I can choose happy. Food has a way of making you feel better in a single moment. As I burn through a burrito or slam down a doughnut, I feel an instant buzz but that fades at last bite. Nothing is worth this feeling of regret and anger and my pants not fitting. I’m going to start with just today. I’ll worry about tomorrow at the alarm ring but for TODAY I can make it through and be strong.

I talk about my parents all the time and how incredible they are. If you know them, you know it’s beyond true. After my last blog post went up, my mom sent me a text that brought me to uncontrollable tears. I’m going to share it with you, I hope she doesn’t mind, in case you need a little inspiration, too. It’s her birthday tomorrow and I wish I had words to express how much I love her. Her text is stored as a note in my phone and when I’m feeling weak I can read it. It’s also the center focus of my new motivational board in my bedroom. Mom- thank you for the slap in the face. It took me a few weeks to sink in but I promise I’m going to get it in gear. Love you to the moon and back.

“I love you to pieces and am going to give you some advice. As a person who has lost a lot of weight many times and put it back on, I know regret. Get back on your eating and exercising plan. Now. The longer you let it go the harder it is to get back on track. You will be angry at yourself and regret it so much. You have worked so hard, stayed on track through vacations and weddings, don’t blow it now. It is going to be a battle your whole life but you need to fight the good fight, grow that bamboo, and face the challenge. I love you skinny or chubby but you love the fit you. Fight for it. It is worth it. Love you to the moon and back.” -Mom


Unknown said...

I feel your pain, as my life has been somewhat similar lately! We CAN get back on that wagon!! Xo

Unknown said...

Yes, Kayla, we can and we will!