Wednesday, November 18, 2015

The Freaks Come Out at Night

I’ve made it kind of a rule not to write about my dating life with details on the guys until it’s something more substantial. Why? In the age of social media, I am afraid a new prospect will find the blog and be afraid that I would write about them. First, if I care about you, it’s kept off the blog and out of social media until we’ve discussed otherwise. It should also be said that my intent isn’t to poke fun or make anyone feel bad. I would just like to present evidence as to why I will probably not meet Mr. Right on Plenty of Fish (POF, the dating app). My last guy wasn’t concerned about the blog, he never read it and we never really talked about it. After much encouragement from my friends, I’ve decided to chronicle some of my trials and tribulations. It’s hard out here for a single girl and those of you who are married, be grateful! Here it is, readers, the parade of questionable suitors.

Gainesville Boy
I took a mental timeout to Orlando after the breakup to decompress and have my mommy take care of me (true story). Well, I decided that it might be time to get back to online dating. I can’t wallow forever and having people show interest in you is a great way to start getting over an ex. POF displays people in your area using location services. Your profile only lists the name of the city you live. Since I was in Orlando but my location was listed as Gainesville it brought up guys from anywhere in between. I started messaging with a few and on Saturday night Gainesville Boy messaged me. We had a few back and forth before we moved to texting. We had great phone chemistry and he was the first person I didn’t want to punch in the face. The conversation flowed and there wasn’t any awkwardness. On Sunday night, as I got home to Gainesville, we decided to meet up. As we’re trying to pick a place and he starts naming landmarks that he’s close to, I slowly realize I have no idea where he’s talking about. He is new to Gainesville so I figured he didn’t know what he was talking about. I Google the road that he says he’s living near, and oops, he’s in Gainesville, Georgia, a mere 6 hours from Gainesville, Florida.

Me: “Are you in Gainesville, Georgia?!?”
GB: “Yeah, why where are you?”
Me: “I live in FLORIDA!”
GB: “This f*ckin’ app.”

We were both really bummed as we did have a connection. He offered to meet me halfway sometime during the week. I told him I needed time to think about it. The texting didn’t stop and on Tuesday he said he wanted to meet me…TONIGHT. I’ll admit, I was wrapped up in the attention and the excitement over meeting someone new. I ignored some red flags and went against the advice of my friends. I was wrong.

I left work, drove to Tifton, Georgia, which is 2.5 hours from me and 3.5 hours from him, and met him in the Wal-Mart parking lot. It also helps the story that this was on day #2 of a juice cleanse so I couldn’t eat or drink. We decided to meet in the Wal-Mart parking lot and would move on from there. I dropped a pin and sent it to my lookouts just in case I went missing. We’d talked a few times on the drive but I was still really nervous. I pulled into the parking lot and saw him standing next to his truck when my stomach fell to my ankles. I wasn’t attracted to him AT ALL. Shit. I got out of the car, he handed me a bouquet of pink roses and I hugged him. I was so uncomfortable. He was wearing sport flip flops (like shower shoes), jeans and a Planet Fitness t-shirt. Long story short, we did a lap around the Wal-Mart so I could, “calm my nerves,” but really I was just trying to stay in public because I thought I was going to end up as a skin suit. We sat on the tailgate of my Jeep in the parking lot for 45 minutes and I finally fessed up. I told him I didn’t feel the spark anymore and that something just felt like it was missing. I felt like the biggest asshole. He was so disappointed and it was as if I had kicked his puppy. We went our separate ways and I let him know I got home okay and thanked him for meeting me. In the end, I was glad I made the trip because the texting would have continued and we would have been building on something that wasn’t going to be there in person. Oh, Tifton.

The Dentist
I started messaging with The Dentist and he had great potential; owned a home, was in his final year of dental school and is super cute according to his photos. Note: my friends question the validity of these photos in hindsight. When we moved to texting, he started to let his colors show. Not only did he ask how many cavities I’d had in my life but he wanted to know what color my fillings are. Okay, maybe it’s not that weird as teeth and oral hygiene are very important to someone who makes it their profession. When he asked me for photos of my teeth, I laughed it off and thought he was kidding, so I sent him a wide-smile selfie. He had to clarify, he wanted AN OPEN MOUTH PHOTO. I dodged the photo for a few days and finally leveled with him after he kept asking for the pics. I agreed to send an up-close and personal photo of my teeth if he set a date. We picked the place, date and time and I readied my camera. After sending it, he replied, “You’re awesome,” so I thought that maybe this was his way of seeing if I could roll with a joke. I was terribly, terribly wrong, friends. His next text said, “There’s a little bit of camera shake and I can’t see your back molars clearly. Try again and then send one of the top.” OH HELL NO. I was enraged, insulted and extremely creeped out. “Are you kidding me?” I asked in response. “C’mon, you can do it,” he replied. I wrote him a paragraph sprinkled with expletives to convey my annoyance. Seriously? I don’t need a date that bad, buddy. In fact, at the time, there was a line forming. Who does this asshole think he is qualifying MY TEETH before he’ll date me? You can tell by my profile that I am clean, I’m employed and I have nice teeth, which ma’ and pa’ Stewart spent plenty of money for orthodontia on. As advised by a friend, I deleted the paragraph telling him off and simply said, “You seem like a nice guy but this is getting weird so no.” I doubt he showed up for the date.

Come to find out, because Gainesville is extremely small, a friend of a friend, who is also on POF, got the exact same requests from The Dentist. He’s making his rounds through Gainesville one girl’s molars at a time. Gross.

The Golden Calf
It started out as normal messaging back and forth, which it always does. They usually don’t let the crazy out until at least they know they have my attention. In his defense, he did warn me that he was going to ask me some unusual questions. I rolled with it because at this point in online dating I’ve seen and heard it all. The following is our real and true conversation…y’all know I can’t make this stuff up.

GC: “I’m going to ask you a series of questions that are kind of unusual. There is no right or wrong answer but please don’t just use yes and no.”
Me: “Okay…”
GC: “Would you say you have large or medium size calves?”
Me: “Large.” (I think I do for a girl)
GC: “Great. Would you say your left or right calf is stronger?”
Me: I’m right dominant so, “Right.”
GC: “When you flex, does the muscle move up and down or side to side?”
Me: WHAT? Tests out flexing, “Ummm…up and down I think.”
GC: “If you are standing up, can I lay on your calves?”
Me: “I have no idea what that means.”
GC: “I have a vivid imagination.”
Me: “I guess, yes.”
GC: “When I lay on your calves, would you be barefoot or in flip flops?”
Me: WHAT? I HAVE NO IDEA. ARE WE OUTSIDE? I decide this is where the answering stops.
GC: “?”
GC: “Where’d you go?”
Me: “The calf questions are intensely weird.”

It’s also worth noting that my calves are visible in 3 of 6 of the pictures on my profile. Weirdo.

Obviously, dear friends, there are so many more but these are the top. Online dating is a life of its own. I could seriously write a book about my adventures. I’ve met some really great guys and some real jerks. At least it makes for a great story!