Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Whoops A Roo

I get super nostalgic around the holidays because another year has come and gone. The cool part about being a December baby is that when I turn a year older the world changes into a new year, too. I equate years of my life with the calendar year and it’s very convenient. I went back on the blog and started to read my posts from around this time last year and back then I was so optimistic about the year ahead. I can say with confidence that 2015 was an extremely hard year. I was coming off this high of success in 2014 and thought that I would stay consistent but life happened. In 2014, I didn’t allow ANYTHING to detract from my goals. I went to weddings, vacations and so many life events but didn’t let myself slip. Cue 2015 and one slip led to another and another and you get it. I never expected the results to be so amazing in 2014 and as 2015 closes I realize that I never expected life to take the turns that it has. I guess that’s the fun part about it all—we never really know what’s around the corner.

In 2015, I fell in love, dealt with the blow of a breakup and navigated getting back out there. I lost a significant family member, I welcomed many new babies into life, I watched friends and family battle serious health issues, and I found myself back in a place I deemed gone forever. I thought that losing the weight would make all of my problems go away. It did, for a time, but weight loss brought on new problems, which all boil down to trying not to relapse. I fought all year to not fall prey to food and I failed, repeatedly. I let life in this year and life won big on me. I had amazing highs, a few lows, a ton of laughs and immense amounts of tears. Losing weight didn’t make the anxiety and depression that I battle go away but the endorphins made them super dormant. The truth is, dear readers, I have to find a way to cope without food. I have to learn how to experience the blows of life (and celebrations, too) without turning to food to get me through them.

As I sat in the Chick-Fil-A drive thru for breakfast one morning, I flashed back to the last few times I found myself in this very line with bad intentions. I thought about my Instagram posts about food, I recalled the cheat meals that led to days, which then multiplied, and I realized every time I felt weak was when I felt anxious. The Panera bagel and scone that were eaten when he blew me off, the ENTIRE bag of Cheetos puffs that was consumed when work was overwhelming, or the ice cream cone that supported me when I had a breakdown. I feed my anxieties (and not with kale) and pray it will make them shut up.

I thought I could handle the food addiction on my own but, honestly, I can’t. Losing weight is easy compared to overcoming the battle of your mind. The war cannot be fought alone and 2016 will be spent working (with a skilled professional) to determine why I turn to food and how to stop.  I think it's important to share struggles so that people know they're not alone.  I am putting it out there that I battle demons just like everyone else and it's important for us to support each other.  It's okay to seek help, it's okay to admit you've failed and it's definitely okay to let everyone know you're not perfect.  Perfection is a facade (and quite frankly, boring).  Let's start 2016 and my 29th year of life on a good foot together.   Here we go...(again, I know, I know).

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Hips Don't Lie

On November 21, 2015, I, Sarah, ran a 15K.  For those of you unfamiliar that is 9.3 miles and about 2 miles more than my body can handle.  I, obviously, do a run/walk.  I finished in 1 hour, 54 minutes, which is a 12.15 pace per mile.  I get that isn't fast.  I realize I didn't finish in the top 50 percent of runners but can we talk about the fact that I DID IT?!?

This race was different than my last because it was at 4 p.m. at night.  This meant a huge focus needed to be on fueling myself throughout the day without eating anything that would have negative impact on my belly.  I consulted my running expert and she helped coach me on what to eat and made sure I stayed properly hydrated.

At around mile 7 my body began to really slow down.  My knees, which aren't great, were hurting and my left hip felt out of socket.  I think I compensate for my bad left knee and therefore my hip was giving me trouble.  I pushed through and just kept praying to finish.  As I rounded a corner toward the finish line, I started sprinting.  I just wanted to be done.  I didn't cry because I was trying to catch my breath and steady my Jell-O legs.  Once you're done, it feels like no big deal.  This huge accomplishment is overshadowed by the fact that you didn't die.  I was completely soaked from head to toe and even took my hat off mid-race because it was so heavy with sweat.  I've never felt more disgusting.  While I was driving home I could smell myself and it was awful.  They handed out chocolate milk post race and it was the best thing I've ever tasted and that's coming from someone who loathes milk.  I scarfed down a sandwich and some chips, then went home and ate a full dinner.  I woke up in the middle of the night and I was starving so I ate half a chocolate doughnut.

The pain the next day was pretty terrible.  I had to sit and scoot in order to get down the stairs at my parents' house.  I was hobbling everywhere and icing down every few hours.  I still have knee pain walking up stairs and my hip bothers me if I'm walking far distances.  I think I'm off of cardio for a bit and going to focus on weight training again.  I can tell I've lost muscle the last few months of being off the wagon and attempting to train for the race.  I'm so proud of myself that I was able to complete it and with a decent time!  I do have a strong desire to do a half marathon now.  I keep telling myself that the last 2 miles were bad and this would be that plus double.  I would have to seriously do some training before that day would come but it's something to ponder!

Final Float

My last post got a lot of responses and I'm so happy to know you all enjoyed learning about the weirdos I encounter through online dating.  Many of you shared your personal experiences and I'm thinking a book needs to happen.  To the single ladies out there who are trying--props to you.  I have, once again, given up the online dating world.  After my stint on POF, I started to try OK Cupid about a month ago.  I met two really nice guys and one that was okay.  In my quest for love, I found a few more blog-story worthy characters.  For now, these will be the finale on the parade of questionable suitors as I am taking a break and planning for it to last a while.

Joe Toes
After about four messages back and forth with the standard, "How are you today," Joe Toes says, "I have to admit, I have a thing for redheads so I think you're really cute."  I get this A LOT.  We're rare, I understand, but it's just hair.  I reply a polite, "Well, thank you!" He shoots back, "While we're on the subject, I have a foot fetish as well, is that okay with you?"  1.  GROSS.  2.  We started messaging like an HOUR ago.  3.  We were NOT on that subject!  In order to not seem rude I ask, "What do you mean by fetish?"  "I just like to suck toes and stuff," he replies.  Oh.  My.  God.  I'm choking back vomit at this point.  Needless to say, I don't respond.  He sends a series of messages throughout the day asking where I went and a bunch of question marks.  After the 5th message I nerve up to tell him that the feet thing was a little weird and too soon into speaking.  This time, he didn't respond.  See ya, Joe.

*FYI his name wasn't Joe and I honestly don't remember what it is.  Also, I am easily able to recall our conversation because I screen shot it to my friend because that's what girls do.

FaceTime Fred
Fred messaged me one night while I was at a concert with little time to chat.  We had a few back and forth over the next few days and he asked to move to text messaging.  Honestly, texting is so much easier than messaging in the app.  The app kills your battery and people can see when you're online, which has gotten me into trouble before.  I've been less than interested and told people I was busy or going to bed and then stayed on to message someone more interesting.  Well, they usually figure it out when your "online now" doesn't disappear.  Whoops a roo.  Anyway, Fred sends me a text and about a minute later asks to FaceTime.  It was the day I was running my 15K so I was no makeup, grungy clothes and ugly hair trying to relax before the afternoon run.  I told him no that I wasn't cute.  He disappears.  The next day, as I'm trying to recover, he asks to FaceTime again.  I tell him I'm busy and can't.  He disappears.  I'm not a rocket scientist but there seems to be a pattern developing!  On Monday morning as I'm getting ready for work he asks to FaceTime once more.  Seriously?  Do you know how long it takes for me to get ready?  I don't have time for this.  I ask him, "What is your obsession with FaceTime?"  He replies, "I just want to show you what I look like naked."  To which I respond, "Pass."  Well, dear readers, Fred was my first blocked phone number.  I can't believe it took 9 months into dating to finally block someone.  What a milestone!

*Sorry mom and dad.

I welcome a deep break from online dating because I'm, honestly, becoming jaded.  I usually assume that they're all going to be the same.  I can predict almost immediately how the conversations and dates will go.  I'm sick of being treated like just some girl behind a screen.  I am sick of hearing that they want a serious relationship but then only text at night, when they're bored or to ask for photos.  GO AWAY.  See?  Jaded.  Choose happy, y'all!