Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Final Float

My last post got a lot of responses and I'm so happy to know you all enjoyed learning about the weirdos I encounter through online dating.  Many of you shared your personal experiences and I'm thinking a book needs to happen.  To the single ladies out there who are trying--props to you.  I have, once again, given up the online dating world.  After my stint on POF, I started to try OK Cupid about a month ago.  I met two really nice guys and one that was okay.  In my quest for love, I found a few more blog-story worthy characters.  For now, these will be the finale on the parade of questionable suitors as I am taking a break and planning for it to last a while.

Joe Toes
After about four messages back and forth with the standard, "How are you today," Joe Toes says, "I have to admit, I have a thing for redheads so I think you're really cute."  I get this A LOT.  We're rare, I understand, but it's just hair.  I reply a polite, "Well, thank you!" He shoots back, "While we're on the subject, I have a foot fetish as well, is that okay with you?"  1.  GROSS.  2.  We started messaging like an HOUR ago.  3.  We were NOT on that subject!  In order to not seem rude I ask, "What do you mean by fetish?"  "I just like to suck toes and stuff," he replies.  Oh.  My.  God.  I'm choking back vomit at this point.  Needless to say, I don't respond.  He sends a series of messages throughout the day asking where I went and a bunch of question marks.  After the 5th message I nerve up to tell him that the feet thing was a little weird and too soon into speaking.  This time, he didn't respond.  See ya, Joe.

*FYI his name wasn't Joe and I honestly don't remember what it is.  Also, I am easily able to recall our conversation because I screen shot it to my friend because that's what girls do.

FaceTime Fred
Fred messaged me one night while I was at a concert with little time to chat.  We had a few back and forth over the next few days and he asked to move to text messaging.  Honestly, texting is so much easier than messaging in the app.  The app kills your battery and people can see when you're online, which has gotten me into trouble before.  I've been less than interested and told people I was busy or going to bed and then stayed on to message someone more interesting.  Well, they usually figure it out when your "online now" doesn't disappear.  Whoops a roo.  Anyway, Fred sends me a text and about a minute later asks to FaceTime.  It was the day I was running my 15K so I was no makeup, grungy clothes and ugly hair trying to relax before the afternoon run.  I told him no that I wasn't cute.  He disappears.  The next day, as I'm trying to recover, he asks to FaceTime again.  I tell him I'm busy and can't.  He disappears.  I'm not a rocket scientist but there seems to be a pattern developing!  On Monday morning as I'm getting ready for work he asks to FaceTime once more.  Seriously?  Do you know how long it takes for me to get ready?  I don't have time for this.  I ask him, "What is your obsession with FaceTime?"  He replies, "I just want to show you what I look like naked."  To which I respond, "Pass."  Well, dear readers, Fred was my first blocked phone number.  I can't believe it took 9 months into dating to finally block someone.  What a milestone!

*Sorry mom and dad.

I welcome a deep break from online dating because I'm, honestly, becoming jaded.  I usually assume that they're all going to be the same.  I can predict almost immediately how the conversations and dates will go.  I'm sick of being treated like just some girl behind a screen.  I am sick of hearing that they want a serious relationship but then only text at night, when they're bored or to ask for photos.  GO AWAY.  See?  Jaded.  Choose happy, y'all!

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