Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Whoops A Roo

I get super nostalgic around the holidays because another year has come and gone. The cool part about being a December baby is that when I turn a year older the world changes into a new year, too. I equate years of my life with the calendar year and it’s very convenient. I went back on the blog and started to read my posts from around this time last year and back then I was so optimistic about the year ahead. I can say with confidence that 2015 was an extremely hard year. I was coming off this high of success in 2014 and thought that I would stay consistent but life happened. In 2014, I didn’t allow ANYTHING to detract from my goals. I went to weddings, vacations and so many life events but didn’t let myself slip. Cue 2015 and one slip led to another and another and you get it. I never expected the results to be so amazing in 2014 and as 2015 closes I realize that I never expected life to take the turns that it has. I guess that’s the fun part about it all—we never really know what’s around the corner.

In 2015, I fell in love, dealt with the blow of a breakup and navigated getting back out there. I lost a significant family member, I welcomed many new babies into life, I watched friends and family battle serious health issues, and I found myself back in a place I deemed gone forever. I thought that losing the weight would make all of my problems go away. It did, for a time, but weight loss brought on new problems, which all boil down to trying not to relapse. I fought all year to not fall prey to food and I failed, repeatedly. I let life in this year and life won big on me. I had amazing highs, a few lows, a ton of laughs and immense amounts of tears. Losing weight didn’t make the anxiety and depression that I battle go away but the endorphins made them super dormant. The truth is, dear readers, I have to find a way to cope without food. I have to learn how to experience the blows of life (and celebrations, too) without turning to food to get me through them.

As I sat in the Chick-Fil-A drive thru for breakfast one morning, I flashed back to the last few times I found myself in this very line with bad intentions. I thought about my Instagram posts about food, I recalled the cheat meals that led to days, which then multiplied, and I realized every time I felt weak was when I felt anxious. The Panera bagel and scone that were eaten when he blew me off, the ENTIRE bag of Cheetos puffs that was consumed when work was overwhelming, or the ice cream cone that supported me when I had a breakdown. I feed my anxieties (and not with kale) and pray it will make them shut up.

I thought I could handle the food addiction on my own but, honestly, I can’t. Losing weight is easy compared to overcoming the battle of your mind. The war cannot be fought alone and 2016 will be spent working (with a skilled professional) to determine why I turn to food and how to stop.  I think it's important to share struggles so that people know they're not alone.  I am putting it out there that I battle demons just like everyone else and it's important for us to support each other.  It's okay to seek help, it's okay to admit you've failed and it's definitely okay to let everyone know you're not perfect.  Perfection is a facade (and quite frankly, boring).  Let's start 2016 and my 29th year of life on a good foot together.   Here we go...(again, I know, I know).

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