Thursday, January 21, 2016

The Bad Ass is Back

It was a Thursday, which made Thursdays my day. I would wake up, walk Oliver, weigh myself, write it down, take my measurements, write them down, weigh again (in case I lost a pound in those 10 minutes) and then finally eat breakfast. January 16, 2014 was a Thursday and it was the day that I decided to get ahold of my life. Here I am two years later and THIRTY pounds up from my lowest point. Funny how 30 lbs. ago was a low point and today, at a higher weight, is an even lower point. Today marks day 1, round 2 of my life. The last time I recorded my weight was January 22, 2015 and I was 201, 90 lbs. down. By the time April rolled around, I was down another 7 and was able to see 194 on the scale. I was SO close to the 100 lb. lost mark but then life happened and I yo-yoed my way through 2015. The last time I weighed 224 was August 30, 2014. I’m disgusted by myself that the last 16 months basically didn’t exist. However, they did exist and have molded me into who I am in this moment. The last 10 months have had extreme highs and extreme lows and I deal with extremes through food.

I’m ready to be that girl again—the one who was obsessed with the numbers, busted ass in the gym and didn’t let anything in life get in the way of her goals. I’m done being this sad girl who got her heart broken and couldn’t recover. It’s pathetic and totally out of my character. I am independent, and strong. I’m done with the excuses and I’m done waiting for someone to do it for me. I’m sick of my pants being tight, the scale rising and feeling prisoner to food. I was reminded today that it doesn’t matter where you start, but it’s important where you finish. I can’t feel this way again—defeated, weak, out of shape and fat. I’m sick of looking in the mirror and having my muffin top stare back at me.

Today, Thursday, I woke up, walked Oliver, weighed myself, wrote it down, took my measurements, wrote them down and ate a low-carb breakfast. Today is the day the fog lifts. Today is the day I stop letting my emotions control my eating. Today is the day I stop playing the victim of a broken heart. Today I am bad ass Sarah again.

She’s baaaaaaaaack!

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Mayday, Mayday

Ernest Hemingway famously said, “Write drunk, edit sober.” Luckily, I have the option to do the latter because I didn’t have the wherewithal to hit the “post” button last night. I, admittedly, left the editing to minor details so I apologize in advance for the heaviness.  I promise I'll be funny again one day.

Dinner tonight was a red velvet cupcake, PB&J sandwich (no sugar added jelly and Ezekiel bread because balance, y’all) and 3 glasses of Southern Comfort. Ya’ know…typical Tuesday. Tonight’s good decisions are fueled by yet another broken heart (maybe only half broken this time). I let him back in and I questioned it every day. Looking back, I should have ignored his texts but I got sucked in by him again and his lies of how he’d changed. So I sit here, Oliver in my lap, overwhelmed by sadness and anger. I keep telling myself that it’s him…he’s the one with more issues than Vogue. I did nothing wrong. I gave him my whole heart, I did cute things for him, I supported him, I lost sleep, I did the 40 minute commute to his house to see him. My love, my affection, my attention wasn’t enough for him. Me, amazing/bright/happy/cute me, wasn’t enough. I’ve spent my WHOLE life never feeling like enough and here I am again. And I let him make me feel this way TWICE!

I know good men exist but, good Lord, why can’t I find one? He jaded me and I’m starting to think that they’re all the same. To the man sitting next to me at the airport yesterday, I doubt you’re sending red hearts to your wife who is in the bathroom. Yeah, I’m reading over your shoulder and you should be fucking ashamed of yourself. I’m judging the shit out of you and how you delete text messages and Facebook messages to whoever Elin is.

Everything happens for a reason—I TRULY believe that. I have no regrets on letting him back into my world because I always would have wondered if we could have made it. I don’t blame him because I knew good and well who he is but I’m done. I want off the emotional roller coaster that was dating him. I can’t do this again. I feel broken, defeated and I’m exhausted. I have spent too much of my life feeling sub-par and I cannot live like this anymore. I am terrified of being alone forever but being alone is better than being in a relationship that doesn’t make you feel like your best self.

For now, I fight the urge to glitter bomb his house, spray paint his secrets on his front lawn or leave notes on the cars found in his driveway warning girls about what they’re getting themselves into with him. I’m better than that. Okay, maybe not the glitter one because THAT I really want to do. I think I knew all along that we wouldn’t work. I was and am incredibly confused how someone can make you so happy and so sad at the same time. I think that’s a pretty big sign of a toxic relationship. I don’t need sympathy, I would actually love to not talk about it. That’s what I pay a therapist for.

Why am I putting all this out to all of you? Why expose this part of my life? Because I promised to be honest with you, dear readers. That means telling you about the rainstorms and the rainbows of life. Also, to those of you who have ever been made to feel like you’re not enough—I understand. It sucks and it’s so hard to tell yourself otherwise but you are so much more than enough for someone. It’s so easy for others to see this in us and it only takes one person to make us feel like less. THAT person is wrong, and an asshole. To quote my very wise friend, “You have a charmed life, ma’am. Think of all your blessings. So he is not going to be a thing. His loss. You have a million other things going for you and you’re all he had. You’re smart, pretty, have family and friends that love you. A solid job, a nice place to live. Cute puppy. You are healthy. Life is good, Stewart, get out there and live it.”

I am going to get out there and live it and spend some quality time with Sarah. I’m very confident that everything I’ve wanted and needed is right in front of me but I just need to find the guts to take it.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Blessings

I saw her out of the corner of my eye. She was in the car next to me while stopped at a red light driving to work one day. She was playing peek-a-boo behind the window frame with a huge smile on her face, and she started to wave when I finally looked her way. I gave her a smile and waved in return. As the light became green and her car turned into the hospital we were driving by, I slowly recognized her wispy hair and missing eyebrows. This child, no more than 5 years old, was obviously battling something unfathomable to me. I cried all the way to work that day and still cry now when I think about her little face in the window. While 2015 wasn’t a great year for me and I think about how many times I whined that I missed a goal, felt defeated by a pair of jeans, or sulked when a boy didn’t text back, it all seems so insignificant. We’re all going through things, and I certainly never want to belittle my or anyone’s problems, but life could be so much worse. That little girl put it all into perspective—we only get this one life, which is filled with ebbs and flows, so holy shit we have to make the most of it. I am an incredibly blessed person. I am not hungry (well, I am but you know what I mean), I have a roof over my head, I have amazing people in my life and, most importantly, I woke up today. I am alive and I have the ability to choose happy so I’m going to.

In 2016, I am resolving to get my shit together because it applies to several facets of life. With 30 on the horizon it’s time to get serious about personal and professional goals. I would also like to stop focusing on things that really have no weight in life. I’m resolving to be more thankful for and aware of the blessings of life and quit worrying about the insignificant details. Part of feeling better is BEING better. I’ll keep you posted!