Thursday, March 10, 2016

Going Through the Big D

Oh, hello!  Remember me?  The author of this alleged blog.  Yeah, I think I finally hit my biggest hiatus to date.  The truth is, I’ve been feeling like a failure.  I know many of you follow along this journey with me and I feel like a fraud.  Life changed in big ways for me and I thought with the weight loss all of my problems would be solved.  HA!  Why didn’t the anxiety and depression flush out of my system with the pounds?  Was that seriously too much to ask?  I solved the #1 problem in my life, being overweight, and adopted a whole host of other issues.  I haven’t been sharing my life because, honestly, I’m still up 20 lbs. and I have yet to do anything about it.  I lost January and February and, honestly, March is off to a slow start.

Okay, where were we? I think we left off right after the breakup part deux.  I was feeling like a bad ass for a day and then that all fell to the wayside.  Here’s what I’m learning about myself—some days are good, some are bad.  You feel the fog lifting and like you can conquer the world and the next day it’s a struggle to get out of bed and be a human.  I’m probably in a worse place most days than I’m willing to admit aloud.  I question every emotion I have and wait in anticipation to be crippled with sadness.  Then the D word creeps into your mind and you wonder, “Am I depressed?”  The truth is, most people have had a period of depression at least once in their lifetime.  I set an incredibly high bar on my life and when it doesn’t feel like it’s up to par I wonder what the point of it all is?  Why am I going to eat salad instead of pizza?  Why would I get up early to go workout?  I can be just as depressed overweight as I can be today.  What the fuck is the point of working my ass off if I’m still going to feel less than okay?  And THAT is how I've been losing this battle by giving in to statements like that.  My life is a constant back and forth with my brain.  My brain says to eat the Cheetos, it convinces me to turn off the gym alarm, and it tells me that I’m not good enough.    
What didn’t help the situation is that I dated a whole lot (probably too much).  I couldn’t find anyone that made it past date #2.  Well, there was one but I have no idea what happened there—he disappeared.  It’s still puzzling to me.  Anyway, I had this epiphany one night (bear with me):

I started this whole journey because I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I didn’t love myself, I didn’t value me, and I gave up.  I needed to lose weight to be the Sarah I was hiding all those years.  I didn’t want to be a party of 1 anymore.  I made incredible sacrifices, I triumphed over huge mountains, and I did things I never dreamed possible but I’m still alone.  I lost 90 lbs. and I’m still single.  So it’s me, right?  These boys aren't sticking around because they don't like my inner self.  It has nothing to do with the way I look—it’s me.  I changed a lot about myself and I might still end up single my whole life.  I justified that the weight loss meant nothing so why even try anymore?  It changed nothing about life so go ahead and eat the chicken fingers.  

That dark thinking and self-hate led to some incredibly sad and bad-food fueled days.  I started to place my value in the hands of these strangers.  I was letting them make me think that I'm unlovable.  The good news is that I'm working on it.  I'm working on me, specifically.  I had to make a list of all the reasons why I'm great and I could only think of 6.  That's how out of touch with myself I am.  It's not going to happen overnight but I am slowly getting my shit together.       


Kate said...

Sarah, This post spoke to me SO much. It's like you were in my brain and thinking what I have been thinking these past couple of months.

You've got this girl - even though I'm all the way in England, I'll support you in this journey however I can!


Unknown said...

Thanks, Kate! I'll support you from my end, too! We're all in this together :).