Thursday, April 7, 2016

Goal Digger

I'm currently undergoing a purge of stuff (exciting news coming soon) and came across an old notebook from my first management position after graduation.  It was from 2009 and one particular page of notes was from a seminar where I was urged to write down 5 and 10 year goals.  I was so lost and confused then on what I wanted to do with my life.  The job market wasn't fantastic and I couldn't find a job in PR, which is what my degree is in.  This was obviously before my choosing happy movement and there it was in black and white; my first 5-year goal was to be happy.  I don't remember writing this, I didn't even remember this notebook existed.  The amazing part upon reading this with tears welling up in my eyes is that I got it.  By 2014, 5 years exactly, I found my happy.

I knew, even back then, that happy was what I wanted to be through this life.  Of all the words, of all the statuses, I just want to be happy.  I have someone in my life who is extremely money focused.  He equates happiness and success with having a lot of money.  In describing my happy life I said, "Happiness to me is sitting on my living room floor surrounded by puppies and kids and someone I love laughing beside me.  That's the life I want.  It's not sitting in a pile of money."  A few years ago I probably would have painted a different picture of happiness but, at almost 30, that's what I want now.  I am the product of a happy family and they are a huge part of why it's such a trait of focus for me.  You know what money can't buy you?  It can't buy the pure joy I get from seeing Oliver (my pup) when I get home from work.  He's tail-wagging-squeaking-from-excitement-jumping-up-for-a-hug happy to see me.  It can't buy the overwhelming love I feel when my godson smiles at me with his, nearly, toothless grin.  It also can't buy the exhaustion from chasing him while he crawls trying to sneak behind employee gates at Disney.  And money certainly can't buy the feeling you get when your cheeks hurt from laughing so much with your ridiculous friends.

I may not have it all the time but happy is still the goal.  It was 7 years ago and it still is today.  Chase it, choose it, live it.

Monday, April 4, 2016

The Clock Don't Stop

There’s something amazing to be said for timing. Weight loss, and many other aspects of life, are all about when you’re ready. If you’re not ready to shed the pounds, get healthy and lose, you will struggle with yourself and not be successful. I have been forcing so many things in life. I’ve been forcing the timing of getting back on track, which only frustrates me when the scale doesn’t move. I’ve been forcing some emotions to remain deep inside, which only makes them angry and want to surface more. The truth that I’ve been hiding from is I haven’t been taking care of me. I’m having sleep issues again, so I take OTC stuff to sleep, which causes me to need 8 hours and I, therefore, can’t wake up to get to the gym. I’m being incredibly unhealthy and the root of the issue is not sleeping. Sleep is how we reset, we find peace, we dream. Life requires sleep. The weight, the stress, the anxiety are all symptoms of not getting back to basics and sleeping. No, it’s not caffeine and it’s not from lack of exercise. This is a deeper issue and I’m trying to figure it out.

Life is, hopefully, an incredibly long journey and a friend helped me to realize that this is MY JOURNEY. It was chosen for me, it was created for me, and it was designed with me in mind. Everyone has issues/struggles/battles and person A’s do not diminish person B’s. It’s possible that struggle was determined before birth in this life. My struggle, for this lifetime, is lack of self-love, self-acceptance, and comfort and happiness with myself. The weight I bear is a result of not dealing with this.  I assumed that an inability to find anyone to love me was because I was fat.  False, I don't accept me, I don't love me, and I don't want to be alone with myself--why would anyone else?

We all have shit in our lives, we all will (or have) faced tragedy, and of all the years we get on this planet they can’t all be rosy. It’s an interesting way to look at life and I challenge you to take this perspective. I woke up today, Monday, feeling completely defeated but one conversation helped me realize that this is my journey, this path was chosen for me, and it’s up to me to learn/grow/flourish not in spite of but because of the obstacles. I am grateful to God (you can choose your deity) for this life and for deeming me strong enough to handle it.  I'm also grateful to the friend who served me with some perspective.  It's all in our hands and our minds are open to anything and everything.  We have the power to create a life we desire, we just have to harness and unleash it.