Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Too Much

“You’re not the same as you were before, you were much more…muchier. You’ve lost your muchness.”

I’ve spent my whole life being too much. In pre-school I was much too bossy of my peers. My teacher even commented that she didn’t need to be there because I told everyone what to do. During my elementary school years I always got in trouble for talking too much. Middle school is where I was much too confused on who I was (I also loved Justin Timberlake too much). Later, in high school, I was absorbed in the drama too much. In college I was much too lazy (mom would say I partied too much). The real constants throughout my life have been eating too much, thinking too much, worrying too much, overanalyzing much too much, and hating myself too much.

When I started dating a year and a half ago I realized for the first time that I am too much for some people. There’s this constant line you have to tread and it gives me WAY too much anxiety. Don’t be too forward but don’t be too reserved. Don’t be too smart but don’t be too dumb. Don’t try too hard but not enough. Don’t text too much but don’t disappear. Don’t be too nice but don’t be a bitch. Don’t be too emotional but don’t be closed off. Don’t be too funny but don’t be dull. It all boils down to, “don’t be too much,” which can be either end of the spectrum. Maybe I live my life in extremes but I am not a middle-of-the-road type of girl. Here’s what I know: I’m funny and smart, I wear my heart on my sleeve and emotions on my face, I fly off the handle but I always cop to when I’m being mean (it’s usually because I’m hangry), and I apologize too much. I will infuriate you beyond belief but I will love you harder than anyone ever.

My first relationship, he was too much, too. That’s how we could handle each other because we had the common ground of being too much for others. However, that was a ticking time bomb for when our muchness would clash. Ever since him I have struggled to find someone who is the perfect balance to myself. This dating thing is for the birds because I dizzy myself in the circles I spin agonizing on how much I should be of something. Well, I fucking give up. I’m done worrying too much about my muchness. I’m going to be as much as I want. It worked for Alice in Wonderland so damn it’s bound to work for me.

Don’t lose your muchness. It makes you who you are!

Friday, September 23, 2016

Sunshine and Rainbows

At one point in time this blog was the light of my life.  When walking Oliver, the dog, around the neighborhood I would come up with anecdotes, lessons, stories, etc. about the honest truths about weight loss.  I started writing and posts developed and one day I went live and it was so encouraging.  The huge issue with starting a happiness blog is that I set this expectation that I had to be happy all the time.  The truth is, it’s hard to write about happiness when you feel anything but.  I have struggled so much this past year and it’s hard to write about your trials and tribulations when your problems seem so small.  This is why I started therapy.  Just me and my therapist in a room on a couch where I can vent to her all my thoughts and issues.  So where have I been? I’ve been hiding.  I have this huge desire to be the girl I once was but she seems like a distant memory now.  She was untouchable, goal motivated, and incredibly disciplined.  I don’t know how to be her anymore. 

I felt really good for a few weeks—incredible even.  This came after a low point.  I didn't want to see people, I would cry a lot, and I didn't want to do anything but sleep.  I realized I had a huge problem.  I went to the doctor and tried to explain what I was feeling.  The only words I could come up with were, “off,” “sad,” “disconnected.”  She told me that she was listening to this podcast one morning and the speaker was saying that life has created this expectation that you’re supposed to be really happy and okay or something is wrong.  If you’re sad or feeling blue that there’s something wrong with you.  The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with you.  This happens to everyone and sometimes you just need to embrace the sad.  While she was telling this story, tears started streaming down my face.  Through my sobs I told her, “I just want to feel better.”

I think it's really hard for people to understand what someone who suffers from anxiety and depression is going through.  You think, "No one WANTS to get out of bed in the morning so I'm no different."  It's not that there's just a lack of want, it's that I physically can't.  In fact, if  I didn't have an animal relying on me, I wouldn't some days.  When a 23 lb. dachshund is sitting on your chest and whining in your face to go out and pee, you get up.  He's in charge.  When I have an anxiety attack, I can't physically sit.  I can't sit at my desk at work, I can't try to watch TV to distract me.  I have to pace, or drive, or just get the fuck out of wherever I am.  It sucks and it sucks even more that Cheetos puffs have a way of calming me down.

Life is full of ebbs and flows and not every week/month/year is going to be sunshine and rainbows.  For some, the thunderstorms just last a little longer.  October 2nd begins Mental Illness Awareness Week.  There are so many stigmas attached to mental illness that a lot of sufferers remain silent.  I have numerous friends who battle their own issues and I am, obviously, very upfront about mine.  For anyone struggling: you are not alone, you don't have to be ashamed of your disease, and I encourage you to seek help.  Let's all be #stigmafree and support one another through the tough times.  Recognition and acceptance are steps one and two.  Choose happy, y'all.