Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Too Much

“You’re not the same as you were before, you were much more…muchier. You’ve lost your muchness.”

I’ve spent my whole life being too much. In pre-school I was much too bossy of my peers. My teacher even commented that she didn’t need to be there because I told everyone what to do. During my elementary school years I always got in trouble for talking too much. Middle school is where I was much too confused on who I was (I also loved Justin Timberlake too much). Later, in high school, I was absorbed in the drama too much. In college I was much too lazy (mom would say I partied too much). The real constants throughout my life have been eating too much, thinking too much, worrying too much, overanalyzing much too much, and hating myself too much.

When I started dating a year and a half ago I realized for the first time that I am too much for some people. There’s this constant line you have to tread and it gives me WAY too much anxiety. Don’t be too forward but don’t be too reserved. Don’t be too smart but don’t be too dumb. Don’t try too hard but not enough. Don’t text too much but don’t disappear. Don’t be too nice but don’t be a bitch. Don’t be too emotional but don’t be closed off. Don’t be too funny but don’t be dull. It all boils down to, “don’t be too much,” which can be either end of the spectrum. Maybe I live my life in extremes but I am not a middle-of-the-road type of girl. Here’s what I know: I’m funny and smart, I wear my heart on my sleeve and emotions on my face, I fly off the handle but I always cop to when I’m being mean (it’s usually because I’m hangry), and I apologize too much. I will infuriate you beyond belief but I will love you harder than anyone ever.

My first relationship, he was too much, too. That’s how we could handle each other because we had the common ground of being too much for others. However, that was a ticking time bomb for when our muchness would clash. Ever since him I have struggled to find someone who is the perfect balance to myself. This dating thing is for the birds because I dizzy myself in the circles I spin agonizing on how much I should be of something. Well, I fucking give up. I’m done worrying too much about my muchness. I’m going to be as much as I want. It worked for Alice in Wonderland so damn it’s bound to work for me.

Don’t lose your muchness. It makes you who you are!

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