Monday, June 26, 2017

Back in Black

Hello, strangers! I’m back in black because it’s the only color that hides my ever-growing muffin top! Some of you might wonder where I’ve been and I would love to tell you that I’ve been sailing the Mediterranean on a yacht with a gorgeous man but y’all can’t be fooled. Where have I been? Hiding. That’s what fat people who are ashamed do. Yes, that’s right, dear friends, I am fat. I’ve put on 60 disgusting pounds and I loathe myself for it. What happened? Life. I went through a shitty break up, twice, and gained 20 lbs. each time because I eat my feelings (shocking, I know). Then, over the last year, I put on 20 more just to pour salt in the wound. These are just excuses and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of dwelling on it and I’m tired of reviewing all the reasons why the gain happened.

My clothes don’t fit, I am embarrassingly out of shape, and I’m uncomfortable in my skin. I never thought I’d be this girl again. I thought I would continue my weight loss journey and be fine but the truth is that I didn’t deal with the issues underneath my fat. Losing weight didn’t cure my anxiety and it certainly didn’t make my emotional eating disappear. I absolutely hate that this happened and ignoring it isn’t making it better. The “I’ll start Monday” phrases are piling up and I’m drowning.

Let’s make a deal—you and me. We start over today. I prepped my lunches & snacks, I walked two miles at the gym, and I promise to be accountable. I don’t want to live like this because a 60 lb. gain will very quickly become a 90 lb. gain if I don’t get my shit together. I know what rock bottom feels like and it’s a too familiar place for me. Everyone tried to tell me and I didn’t listen. It’s SO hard to lose weight the second time. I’ve learned my lesson. It ends today. For real this time. You and me. We have a deal!